


Research

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Banter, Best Friends, Coming Out, Crushes, Cute, F/F, Funny, Journalism, M/M, Photographs, Reverse Big Bang Challenge, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-26 00:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15652125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: Noora wants to get into the university to study journalism. For that, she needs to write a literary journalistic essay. She knows just the subject.OrFalling for your best friend can be distracting





	Research

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration art [here.](https://groovyturtlefestival.tumblr.com/post/176889284050/art-by-convenience-e-research-by)

Noora glanced at the phone on the chair’s arm. She had made herself a promise that she would not touch it until she had read at least 35 pages. The post-it she had stuck on the page that was her goal seemed still so far away. She had been stalling enough already, she was three days behind her reading schedule and she really should commit to this now. Her future was at stake. She needed top grades on pretty much everything, and in order to get them she needed to study.

The textbook rested against her knee. Noora could see the phone just above the top of the book, and try as she might, she just couldn’t keep her eyes on the pages. She had turned off all her notifications so she wouldn’t be so tempted to pick the phone up, but that didn’t really help. She knew there would be something going on, the digital world didn’t sleep ever. Right now, at this very moment, there might be a new picture on ig, and she could not see it until after over twenty more pages. That was just unfair.

Gah, to hell with it.

Noora grabbed her phone. She unlocked the screen and dove head first into Instagram. evamohn2 had posted, because of course she had, and the picture took Noora’s breath away in two distinctly separate ways. She was so beautiful, so full of life, her smile was so happy and the way her hair stuck on her face enhanced her beauty. And she was really into the person who was taking the picture. The latter thought felt like a punch to the gut.

She didn’t know who it was, this mystery person who was taking pictures of Eva. Who made her look at the camera like that. She had of course asked, all of her friends had, she checked the comments and yes, there were more than one inquiry about the identity of the photographer. But Eva didn’t tell.

Noora’s finger hovered over the messaging button. She wanted to send a message to Eva and make her tell who was behind the camera. But that would have seemed. Weird, right? Why would that matter to her this much, if her friend seemed to be happy, healthy and safe this was in no way her business. Unless there was some hidden agenda in her inquiry, right?

Right.

She put the phone away. She picked up the book.

Five minutes later she was writing a message.

Noora  
Is it you?  
The guy Eva is with  
Did you get back together?

Jonas  
Uhhhh no?  
We’re just friends

Noora picked on her cuticles. There was a sharp dry splinter on her index finger that refused to be cut off neatly. When she finally gave up and just pulled, it peeled a little strip of skin with it. Noora hissed and pushed the finger in her mouth as a reflex. Damn it. Noora pulled her finger out so she could type again.

Noora  
Who is it? I bet you know

Jonas  
I’m trying to watch a game here

Noora  
Enjoy

She shoved the phone between the cushions of her chair before she said something she might regret. Jonas knew something, she was certain of it. But he was a guy, and most guys kept girls’ secrets from other girls. They’d tell their mates, but not their dates.

Noora glared at her book. She was not in the mood at all. She was angry and frustrated and bored, and all those feelings were at least partially directed at herself. She was not the type of person to lose her focus like this. She declared the book a lost cause and got up to get her laptop instead. She needed some peer support. She needed to remind herself what she was working for.

She logged on to the website and entered the boards. There people who had gone through the entrance exams shared their knowledge and opinions on how one got in, what the studies were like and so on. The first topic caught her eye. PRELIMINARY ASSIGNMENTS RELEASED!!!!!! Noora clicked at the university’s website tab and refreshed the page holding her breath.

Yes.

Oh god.

She needed to write a literary journalistic essay on a topic of her choice. Between 10 and 20 thousand words. Her head was buzzing, and she returned on the boards. She opened the thread and read through posts both excited and terrified. The newbies - that was what the people applying this year were called - were posting frantically, bouncing around ideas for topics and lamenting on the amount of work ahead of them. Noora skimmed past them. When she saw an avatar with a red frame around it she stopped to read more carefully. That post was made by an alumnus.

They wrote that the best subject for the essay was something that was already bothering you. Something that wasn’t feeling right, a glitch in the Matrix, that needed to be examined further. The topic itself wasn’t as important as how the essay handled it, they wrote, it could be about shearing sheep or partying at Ibiza. What was important was the structure, the flow of the text and argumentative skills. They also reminded that the deadline was way to soon for a cohesive, in depth study of an unfamiliar subject.

Noora glanced at the newbies’ ideas for topics. The refugee crisis. Global warming. Human trafficking. All important things, and all of them so huge. Things the press wrestled with globally. She was in no position to write a great essay on any of those, even if she moved in to live in the library.

And, like her study counselor had told her, if she already would be able to write articles ready for publishing in any paper or journal in the world, why was she applying to study journalism then? Noora had struggled all her life with the thought of being incomplete, on a journey, becoming instead of being. It frustrated her. But she couldn’t simply shrug and pretend it wasn’t true, because it was. She was here, on this Earth, to learn.

Now all she needed was a good topic. She knew she was able to produce a good essay on about any subject, but this one needed to be more than good. It needed to be excellent. What the alumnus had written made sense to her. Journalism was about the truth, but also about passion. She needed to find the glitch in her Matrix.

First of all she needed to get out of the discussion boards. Her peers were way too frantic and distracting, with their overcomplicated topic ideas. Noora knew she had to take a less ambitious route if she wanted to succeed. She knew how it would go, if she forced a 110 % out of herself for long periods of time. She would burn brightly and long and then out.

Noora decided to let the idea simmer on its own on the back burner of her mind. It would come to her. Meanwhile she had other things to do. Books to read. The essay wasn’t the only preparation she would have to make. She grabbed the textbook again with new enthusiasm and determination, and when she finally raised her eyes off the pages it had gotten dark.

She took her phone in her hand. She skimmed through the dozens of messages from various group chats before checking ig. No new posts from Eva. She started to flip through her older posts when her phone vibrated in her hand. She had gotten a message from mom. She almost deleted it without reading it, but she didn’t. She didn’t read it, either, just marked it as read and shoved her phone deep in her pocket. She had more important things going on right now than her mother’s whatever it was. She probably wanted something, and Noora was not in a giving mood.

She grabbed a quick bite and texted with the girls. Then she finished the book and crawled into bed. The message refused to be shoved aside, it kept bugging her. She didn’t want it to. She didn’t want to be in touch with her mother, she didn’t  _ need _ her for anything, she had gotten this far without her and she would keep going just the same and.

That’s it!

Noora took her phone, opened the notes and wrote her thought down. Minutes later she was fast asleep.

 

Eva was hesitating. So Noora smiled just a bit more pleadingly, batting her lashes at her friend. Prettiest please with a handful of cherries on top?

“My mother will be so hurt if she finds out”, Eva said, finally. Noora tried to look as reassuring as humanly possible.

“She will never find out! This is not public work, it’s just for the exam. I doubt more than two people will ever read it.” Noora took her phone and opened the university’s website. She showed it to Eva. “See? ‘All preliminary assignments will be destroyed after the selection is finalized.’ They won’t even archive a copy or anything.”

Eva frowned.

“But she  _ might _ see it. Or hear about it.”

Noora rolled her eyes.

“No she won’t! Not unless you tell her, because I’m not going to.” She sipped her latte. “Please, Eva. This is important to me.”

Eva sighed.

“Fine. But I will stop at any time I feel like it, okay?”

Noora smiled. She was beaming. This was going to work out so well, she just knew it. A good journalist needed a good gut instinct, and she was certain she had one.

“Of course. And I will also ask at least Isak and Magnus about this too, and add my own experiences in it. All anonymous, naturally.”

“Isak I understand, but Magnus? Isn’t his mother, like, around?”

“Well, yes, but she’s. Doesn’t she have some issues? That might make her absent?”

Eva bit her bottom lip and stared at the table between them. There was a coffee ring on it.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“I’ll be discreet. Don’t worry. The worst that can happen is that he says no.”

Eva shrugged.

“I suppose.” She downed the rest of her coffee. “Just be careful, okay? Not all people are as strong as you.”

Noora wanted to say she wasn’t strong at all. She had to do what strong people did, because there was no other choice, but she was not strong. But that would have meant admitting that a part of her was still a little girl who just wanted her mommy, and that was a thought she was not willing to admit or accept.

“My mom texted me last night”, she said, suddenly. She placed her phone on the table. “Could you read it first? Please?”

Eva looked surprised. But she took the phone anyway. Noora waited in silence, simmering in her own juices, while Eva read the message. Noora tried to interpret her expression, but couldn’t.

She couldn’t take it anymore.

“Well?”

“Why did you want me to read this first?” Eva asked.

“I don’t know”, Noora sighed. “I didn’t want to expose myself to her right now, I think? If it’s not something important I’d rather not bother letting her into my head, but not knowing what it’s about is killing me.”

Eva nodded slowly.

“Okay. Well. It doesn’t seem urgent.”

“Is it something that might make her text me again if I don’t respond?”

“It. Depends? I don’t know your mother.”

Noora chuckled. It didn’t sound happy.

“Neither do I. It doesn’t matter. Just put it away, I’ll read it later.”

Eva did as Noora had asked and gave the phone back to her. She looked like she was about to ask something. Noora had to say something quickly, anything.

“Is he old?”

Okay, a bad choice. But it was too late to regret. Eva raised her eyebrows at her.

“Is who old?”

“Your secret boyfriend, of course! The one who keeps taking pictures of you.”

“Someone’s taking pictures of me? Do I have a stalker?”

“Ha ha. I mean the pictures you post on Instagram and you know it.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. Not an old one or a young one.”

Noora felt it form on her tongue. She had time to stop it from getting out but she didn’t.

“A girlfriend?”

They had never talked about it. They had talked about boys, a lot, but it had never been explicitly stated that Eva was only into boys. Noora’s question was unexpected and personal, and she was surprised by how much she wanted Eva to answer it.

“Nope.”

Just a simple, nonchalant ‘nope’ was all Noora got. No further explanation, only a tick in a box. No girlfriend. But why not? Noora wanted to know, but she couldn’t ask. She had to keep going before she would ask.

“A non-cisgender significant other?”

Eva laughed, shaking her head.

“None of those, either.”

They were silent for a moment. Noora didn’t dare say anything anymore, she’d been saying too many stupid things in a row now.

“How about you?” Eva asked.

“Huh?”

“Do you have anyone?”

“Uh, no? I would have told my best friend if I did?”

Eva grinned.

“I’m your best friend?”

“Of course not, but we know how terrible Chris is with secrets.”

Eva pouted. Noora kept her face stern. They both cracked up at pretty much the same time.

“I know we’re a bit old for things like besties, but I like to think of you as mine”, Noora said. Eva nodded repeatedly.

“Yep. Same.”

The rest of their coffee date they chatted about whatever came to their mind. Nothing significant. But during all that chatting and banter and laughing Noora couldn’t help poking at the warm, sort of fuzzy feeling she had at the bottom of her belly. Very carefully, and with a very long stick.

 

Noora felt almost like a real journalist, with her notepad on her knee and her phone on the table ready to record. She was feeling also a bit nervous. She would have liked to interview Isak first, because having lived in Kollektivet made him feel closer to her, but Isak was busy with something else right then. Noora had a deadline, so she had arranged a date with Magnus instead. She hadn’t spent that much time with Magnus, but she had heard about him from Vilde and others. He was a real sweetheart, she’d heard.

Magnus arrived. He greeted Noora with a wide smile full of sunshine, and that made her nervousness melt away. Magnus really seemed like a sweetheart, too. Maybe Vilde had told him to behave, or else.

“Hi”, Magnus said and sat down. Noora smiled back at him.

“Hi. Thanks for doing this, I really appreciate it.”

“Sure, no problem. I don’t have anything important to do today and I love helping people out.” Magnus folded his long legs, crossing his ankle over his knee. “So you want to interview me on something?”

Noora nodded. She took her phone in her hand.

“Yes. I hope it’s okay that I record our conversation? I’m not that fast at making notes just yet.”

“Sure, it’s cool. What are we going to talk about?”

“I’m applying to study journalism”, Noora explained, uncertain of how much into detail Vilde had gone with Magnus. It was plausible, that she had just told her boyfriend to go meet Noora and he had accepted to. “And I need to write a literary journalistic essay. I’m doing research for that.”

Magnus nodded slowly. He did his best to not look confused.

“Okay. And what’s the topic?”

Noora realized she was reluctant to say it out loud to Magnus. She had deemed Eva’s warnings unnecessary, but obviously a part of her was worried. Interesting. And stupid. Follow your gut, journalist. She turned the recording on and placed the phone on the table between them.

“I’m interviewing Eva and Isak also, because all of us have similar situations. I’m not quite sure about the actual argument yet, but my topic is something about becoming an adult without your mother around. How it has affected the process, how it has formed us. I’m sure I’ll get it outlined once I have enough data to work with.”

Magnus listened to Noora carefully. He was frowning, and once again failing at not looking confused.

“And you wanted to talk with me because..?”

Noora licked her lips quickly. She was suddenly uncertain again. Had Eva been right? But Noora had already started this, so she might as well finish it too.

“Well, hasn’t your mother been kind of absent? With her condition?”

Magnus stared at her so long that it made her squirm on her seat.

“You know, for the record”, Magnus said. His voice was low and level. “I’m making an actual effort to not flip out at you right now. Because you are Vilde’s close friend.”

Noora blushed. She didn’t like it one bit. If she was going to be a real journalist she would have to accept that she would upset some people on the way. Snoop and pry.

“There’s no reason to flip out.”

Magnus laughed at her face. He did not sound amused.

“You sit there telling me my mother was ‘absent’ and then say there’s no reason to flip out? Really?”

Focus. Breathe. Act like a professional. Noora leaned back just a bit, to avoid looking like she was seeking confrontation.

“So, that’s not the case, then?”

“Well, no! Jesus, my mother is bipolar, not out at sea!”

To her own horror, Noora snickered. But Magnus was funny! It wasn’t her fault, right?

“I’m sorry. Really.”

“I’m sorry to say this, but I think you really should be.”

There was something adorable in the way Magnus apologized for telling Noora off, even when he was right. People were correct, he was a sweetheart.

“Yes. I should. I assumed too much, and I’m sorry about that. I was just trying to get as many different ways of being absent into this as possible, and --”

Magnus interrupted her by raising his hand.

“Please. You’re at the brink of making it worse. When you’re in a hole, stop digging.”

Noora sighed. And nodded. Okay.

“Funny, really. Eva did warn me about this.”

“Oh? How come?”

“She said that this might not be a good idea.”

“Well, sorry to tell you, but she was right.”

Noora nodded. She was blushing again, damn it.

“I suppose the interview is now over?”

She nodded again.

“Yes. Sorry to bother you for nothing.”

Magnus got up and took his bag. He flashed a friendly smile at Noora.

“From where I’m standing it looks like someone learnt a lesson today. It’s never nothing when that happens.”

Noora shrugged. Magnus was probably right, but admitting it stung uncomfortably. Magnus turned to leave when something popped into her head and out through her mouth before she could stop it.

“Magnus, wait. Aren’t you hanging around with Jonas?”

Magnus raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah? So? His mother isn’t absent either, just so you know.”

“No, that’s not. No. I was just wondering, if you know has he and Eva been like. Getting back together?”

“Not that I know of. And if I did know, I wouldn’t tell you, because if they are and you don’t know about it they don’t want you to know. But I have seriously no idea.”

Noora didn’t dare pry any more. She had crossed enough boundaries already. She just nodded sheepishly, bid farewell to Magnus and took her phone in her hand.

She deleted the recording.

 

Noora gave Eva a can from the fridge. She took one herself as well and cracked it open.

“Thanks for coming.”

Eva grinned and took a sip.

“I’m always down for bestie time. What’s up?”

Noora stalled. She took a long gulp of her drink. She checked her lipstick with her phone’s front camera. There was a tiny red stain on the tip of her tooth, and she wiped it off with her thumb.

“May I remind you that you invited me?”

Noora sighed. Eva was right.

“You were right.”

“Of course I was.” Eva threw herself on the couch and gathered a couple of pillows under her legs. “How, this time?”

“I talked with Magnus today.”

Eva nodded slowly. She knew without telling how that had gone.

“He basically told me off. He was as nice about it as he could be, and he was right. I was completely out of line asking him those things like that.”

Eva smirked. Noora wasn’t irritated by it one bit. She loved making Eva smile.

“Told you.”

“Yes, yes, I just said that! Is there no limit to your gloating?”

“There might be. Never say never, right?”

Noora sat down on the couch with Eva. She stretched her legs across Noora’s lap.

“..right.” Noora sighed. She let Eva keep her legs on top of her. They didn’t really weight anything. The only trouble they caused was that Noora didn’t really have anywhere to put her hands. So she wrapped them around her can.

“The thing is, now I’m scared to talk to Isak. What if I mess up again?”

Eva rolled her eyes at her.

“No you won’t! It’s Isak, for starters. He’s really not a candidate to be Mister Smooth himself. Plus his mother has legit been absent, we know that for a fact.”

“I still should have told him beforehand what the interview was going to be about.”

Eva stared at Noora. For a long time.

“Are you telling me, that you did not tell Magnus beforehand?”

“I didn’t think it was important”, Noora tried, but she didn’t believe that herself. Once again, she had to swallow her defeat. “What you said did get to me somewhat. I didn’t want him to say no before I had the chance to speak with him face to face.”

“I’m not an expert on the ethics of journalism, but I’m pretty sure that is called, in professional vocabulary, a dick move.”

Noora laughed. Eva was right, and there was nothing funny about her failure, but her friend was so spot on that all Noora could do was laugh about it.

“I’ll drink to that.”

They raised their cans and drank from them. Eva wiggled her toes. The movement caught Noora’s eye.

“Anyhow. I need to do better with Isak. I should text him right now and tell him what the subject is, shouldn’t I?”

“No. You should have told him in the first place! But this is the best you can do now, so yes, do that. I’ll wait.”

Oh god. Noora didn’t mean that she would do it, like,  _ now. _ But Eva didn’t budge. She just looked at Noora, expectantly, half grinning. She knew she was winning again.

Noora took her phone. There was a notification from Instagram. Eva had posted a new picture an hour ago. Before she had really thought about it Noora had tapped on the notification and opened the picture.

It was a bathroom selfie. Noora could tell why Eva had taken it. Her hair was still wet and it was  _ just so. _ The lighting really worked for her and the towel she had wrapped around her body revealed just enough but not too much. Her shoulders and collarbones looked amazing in the shot, too. Normally Noora would have given a heart automatically, but for some reason this particular image made her pause. She was breathing slower. She had forgotten about the world around her completely. When she looked at Eva’s picture she suddenly felt something unexpected.

She felt an urge to pick Eva up and put her in a drawer and keep her there forever.

“Well? What did he say?”

Noora dropped her phone somewhere between their legs.

“What? Sorry, what?”

She was frantically trying to dig her phone out, and at the same time touch Eva as little as possible, and at the same time trying to remember what Eva had asked her. She could not call that operation a success.

Eva laughed.

“I knew it! You were just pretending to text him, weren’t you? Just so you know, I’m not letting you off the hook. I’m not giving up until I see his reply, you hear me?”

Noora could barely hear her. Her heart was beating so loud. Thank heaven she found her phone then and there. Noora pressed the home key and flashed Eva an awkward smile.

“You don’t trust your best friend?”

“Not on anything that makes her look bad, no. Come on. Text him.”

Noora sighed. Fine. She opened the conversations and looked Isak up. She wrote him a message, she erased it, she wrote a new one. Rinse and repeat. Finally she was satisfied with the tone and the content and hit send.

“There. I sent it. You happy now?”

“Nope. He hasn’t read it yet. I’m not letting you delete it before he does.”

“What! Do you think I would be that despicable?”

“Let’s say I think you’re that sneaky.”

Noora smiled at Eva.

“I can live with that.”

They didn’t speak for a moment. They didn’t move, either, they just sat there and looked at each other for about a second too long. They might have kept at that, but Noora got a message. Isak replied.

“He’s cool with it. See?” Noora showed Eva the conversation. Eva nodded.

“Good girl. You know I’m just protecting you from yourself, right?”

“Yeah. I do.”

 

The talk with Isak was a major improvement on the Magnus fiasco. Noora got a ton of material to use. Isak’s therapy had obviously helped him with how to put his emotions and thoughts into words. He seemed more focused. He seemed happier. Balanced. Both Even and medical treatment had done good for him. After interviewing Isak Noora felt like she had managed to put some more sense into her own thoughts as well.

“You know”, Isak said, leaning back on his chair. “I think this is going to be a great essay. The subject is interesting enough and you have a lot to say on it.”

“Thanks to you. You have given me so many ideas today.”

Isak shrugged.

“I’m sure you could have come up with them yourself.”

Noora’s head was buzzing with ideas. Her fingers were itching for a keyboard. But she had something important to ask Isak first, while she still had his attention. Isak was so busy with trying to improve his grades, therapy and his boyfriend that scheduling this date had been a logistic nightmare. She might not be able to meet with Isak like this, alone and face to face, for a long time.

“One more thing. It’s unrelated to this. And. Uh. Kind of sensitive.”

Isak tilted his head and raised his brows unnecessarily high. Overdoing it.

“Are you sure you’ve got the right person? Sensitive is not really my thing.”

Noora took a deep breath.

“In this case, I think you might be the best person.”

“You need some expert advice on how to be constantly grumpy and distant and still manage to maintain lasting friendships? If you do, then I’m your man.”

Noora shook her head.

“I’m serious, Isak. Please. Swear to me you will not tell anybody about this conversation.”

“Not even Even? I’m not that great at keeping secrets from him.”

“I don’t see any reason for you to bring this up with Even, nor for him to ask you about it.”

“He will ask how our meeting went!”

“Isak. This is important.”

He made some resistance still, a groan and a face, but finally Isak nodded.

“Okay. I won’t tell anyone.”

“You must promise.”

“I promise! Stop busting my balls, woman!”

“Rude much?”

Isak chuckled. And shrugged.

“Do you want to tell me your big secret or not?”

“I’m not so sure about it anymore… and it’s not a secret. Like, I don’t  _ have _ a secret, I just don’t want anyone to hear about this conversation, okay?”

“I already promised!”

Noora took a deep breath. She was getting worked up over nothing. A reoccuring theme, it seemed.

“How did you know you were into Even?”

“Excuse me? Is this for the article too?”

“Essay. And it’s not.”

Isak examined Noora carefully for a moment. Noora felt like squirming but tried to stay still. This was just a perfectly normal question, with no hidden agenda at all.

“I don’t know. Have you seen him? How could I not be into that?”

Noora smirked. Yes, Even was handsome, there was no denying that.

“But still, it’s not like. Normal, right? Because he’s. You know.”

“All the abnormal qualities only add up to his charm. You know.” Isak sounded prickly. Noora was appalled. This was like the Magnus situation all over again.

“No, no! I don’t mean it like that at all,” she hurried to explain. “I mean that. You’re both like. Boys.”

Isak frowned.

“Yeaaaah. That’s kind of how this gay thing works, you know?”

Noora didn’t know how to explain this to him. She wasn’t sure what “this” even was.

“But you were with girls before him.”

“Yeah, I’m so lucky that the great gay committee let that one slide and accepted my application anyway.”

Noora stared at Isak eyes wide.

“What?”

“Uh-huh. They can be real strict about something like that, but apparently if you’re willing to blow the whole committee they believe you’re legit.”

Noora kept staring at Isak. Her brain had shut down completely. Isak kept talking.

“I just got my membership renewed, and man, my jaw is  _ sore. _ I got the new membership card in the mail yesterday, want to see it?” Isak dug his wallet out of his pocket. Noora leaned in closer. But then Isak burst out laughing.

“Seriously! Your face! It’s priceless, just priceless.”

Noora blushed. Of course Isak had been joking.

“There is no gay committee.”

Isak winked.

“Sorry, nope. If you want to join the club, you’ll just have to do it the old fashioned way. You know, self reflection and discovery and all that tedious shit.”

Noora sighed. All that tedious shit was something she really did not have time for. And she still wasn’t sure if there was any reason for that, either. There was  _ something _ about Eva but Noora didn’t know what it was. Or if it was even anything real.

“What does being gay feel like?”

Isak grinned, ready to give another witty remark, but when he saw Noora’s expression he paused. He got serious. He pondered, for real this time.

“Different. It feels different in different times. Now it feels right. It feels like me. But first? Scary as fuck.”

Noora made a tiny little nod.

“But all that was really for nothing, you know? I was scared shitless for nothing. It all worked out for me in the end, and without all that shit I would not have Even now, but. You know. I was so miserable for so long and for no reason.”

Noora nodded again.

“Is she a friend? Someone at school?”

Noora shrugged. She didn’t want to go into details. This was so new and raw, she wanted to keep it for herself.

“If she is someone who you’re at least friendly with, people tend to not get mad when someone tells them they’re into them. At least.”

“Even if they’re straight?”

“Then they won’t be into you. Don’t fall for a straight girl, Noora, it will break your heart.”

Noora couldn’t respond to that. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe normally.

“That’s pretty much all the help I can really give you on this.”

“Thanks”, Noora said, finally able to speak again. “I have a feeling you’ve helped me more than we both can see right now. Time will tell.”

“You’re a pretty girl. And smart. She’ll be lucky to have you, whoever she is.”

Noora wanted to tell Isak there was no she, but her blushing gave her away before she could. Isak was kind enough to not pry about her identity, and as he was leaving he told Noora that she could text him if she needed to.

When Isak had left Noora curled up into her armchair. Her head was buzzing but not with ideas anymore. She closed her eyes and let her thoughts take her back to the day Eva had been here. Eva’s legs over her lap. Eva’s laughter. How Noora had spent half an hour just thinking about how pretty Eva’s hands looked, and if it would be weird if she told that to her.

She thought about the pictures and how much they bothered her.

Isak was right. Falling in love with a straight girl would be stupid. It would end badly. Thanks to the common culture being kind of lenient towards girl on girl action many straight girls could do what was called experimenting, but those relationships were always doomed from the beginning. Experiments ended.

Hell, Noora had no idea if she was, herself, just experimenting as well. She had no idea what she was, or who she wanted. She had had guys before, only guys, and Eva was the first girl she had ever looked at  _ like that. _ It was probably nothing. Just a phase. A whim. Most likely it was simply early stages of obsession, triggered by not knowing who was making Eva smile like that.

Still, Noora could not deny, that it was killing her, that the person making Eva smile like that was not her. She was actually pretty certain, that it was the real issue here. She wasn’t curious. She was jealous.

Noora closed her eyes. She listened to her fluttering heart, what it was telling her, but it was saying things Noora had no words for. All she understood was Eva’s name.

 

Don’t fall for a straight girl. Don’t fall for a straight girl. Don’t fall for a straight girl.

No matter how many times Noora repeated that to herself, she disobeyed Isak’s advice. She knew Isak was talking from experience, having himself fallen for his own straight best friend, but that was of little to no help. She was gone, head over heels, completely, for Eva. When Noora was with her, she was happy. When Noora wasn’t with her, she was thinking about her. Going through their last meeting, scrutinizing it, every move and word and gesture, in a frantic hunt for signs of Eva being interested in girl in general or Noora in particular.

Then there were the pictures. Eva kept posting them, and every single one of those smiles was haunting Noora. Eva was her Mona Lisa, the mysterious smile she was desperate to crack. She tried to spy it on Eva’s face when she was with her, but she only saw it in those pictures.

When she had spent yet another week kind of studying and sort of writing her essay, Noora knew this had to stop. She had to find out. She had to come clean. Either Eva saw something in here or she didn’t, but Noora was not going to waste her whole future just out of fear and cowardice.

Noora took her phone in her hand and texted Eva. She asked her over. Alone. To talk about something important. Eva asked if it was about the essay again because she really wasn’t in the mood, having just fought with her mom over Skype, but Noora managed to persuade her to come.

Fifteen minutes, Eva had said. That was plenty of time for Noora to worry and fuss and get nervous. She texted Isak, but he didn’t even read the message. Must have been smooching Even or something, lucky bastard. The thought of the possibility, however unlikely, of doing the very same thing with Eva soon made Noora’s stomach tingle warmly.

Eva stood behind the door and gave her a hug. Noora took a quick sniff of her hair during the hug, and let it linger just a bit too long. She had been doing that for days now, feeding Eva hints that she might be into her. None of them stuck.

“Hey”, Eva said, pulling back. “What’s the emergency?”

Noora brushed her hair behind her ear. She walked with Eva to the couch and sat down, on the other end. She needed a bit of distance for this. Distance and guts and all the flickering hope in the world. Noora’s heart was beating so loud. The list of pros and cons considering telling Eva burnt in her pocket against her thigh. It burnt like a touch.

“It’s. Complicated.”

She had rehearsed this. She knew, from experience and talking with the girls, that any pick up line wouldn’t help if the girl just wasn’t that into you. So she hadn’t bothered making up anything like that. But she had planned this, and rehearsed her line, and now that Eva was sitting there smelling of her shampoo and smiling her smile Noora felt it all dissolve from her brain.

Eva raised her eyebrows at her, smirking.

“Well? If it’s too complicated I won’t be able to understand it today, my head is a mess.”

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe Noora should make a rain check for her great big reveal. But she knew that if she backed down now she wouldn’t be able to gather up her courage to do this again any time soon. She took a deep breath.

“Well. It’s a simple thing with complicated consequences. Potentially. How does that sound?”

“Semi.”

“I’ll take that if that’s all I can get.” Noora paused. She played with her hair for a bit. Then she opened her mouth again. “You have to tell me who is taking those pictures of you. I mean it. Please.”

“Nobody!” Eva exclaimed. “Seriously, you all should just give it a rest! There is no mystery guy anywhere, I swear.”

“Okay, okay”, Noora sighed. Fine. Eva was not telling. “It’s just that. For what I have to say, it’s really really relevant if there is someone or not.”

“There isn’t! You girls are all just teasing me, and to be honest it’s getting kind of old. I know I haven’t been seeing anyone lately but it’s not my fault.”

Wait, what? Teasing her? Eva thinks her friends are teasing her because she doesn’t have a boyfriend?

Now that Noora thought of it, it was possible that the rest of the squad was doing just that. But she wasn’t. No way.

“I don’t know about the others but I can assure you I’m not teasing you.”

Eva looked at her carefully. She tilted her head, pouting a bit, and Noora was suddenly so grateful for the distance between them.

“Okay. I believe you”, Eva said, flashing a smile at Noora. “Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?”

Noora’s mouth felt so dry. Her throat was parched. She looked at Eva, at her mouth, and was so, so hungry and thirsty. She had to do this. Now.

“You know, that kiss with Vilde that one time? When you two kissed.”

“Yeah? What about it?”

“I was just wondering that. Why did you do it?”

Eva laughed.

“I don’t know. We felt like it? Probably to impress some boys or something, it was like forever ago. How come?”

Noora felt her cheeks turn red. Eva didn’t understand. Then again, if Eva did understand, she would make her squirm just for the fun. Wicked girl.

“I have been thinking about it. Kissing girls.” There it was, the great confession. Number one. She had to do this in parts, just in case Eva would freak out about this.

“Oh? Well, let me know when and where.”

Noora stared at Eva. She was seemingly serious. But she probably didn’t still understand, that. No, she couldn’t understand.

“Uh. Thanks. The thing is, that I’ve been thinking about. More. Than just kissing. Too.”

Eva nodded slowly. Exaggeratingly slowly. She leaned in a bit closer.

“Annnnnnnd?”

“And I’d like to know what you think about that. You’re my best friend and I don’t know how you’d feel about this, so I need you to tell me. Please.”

“Did you read the text from your mother?” Eva asked. Noora blinked, confused, she had no idea why Eva asked her that now. During this conversation. She really wanted to keep her mother as far away as possible from anything considering her relationships.

“No?” Noora tried to put as much load on one little syllable as she could. Eva, I don’t want to talk about that now, she said with it. Eva, please, speak to me.

“Read it.”

Noora made a sound that resembled a giggle, only more deranged and desperate.

“Just read it. Don’t you trust your best friend?”

Best friend. There it was, Eva’s answer, plain to see. She was not interested in Noora, not like that. Noora’s heart sank. She did not believe in friend zones, but she definitely felt like the mayoress of one.

Eva didn’t budge. She kept telling Noora to read the message, and finally Noora took her phone out just to make her shut up. She searched the conversation and opened it.

_ I had the funniest dream last night. You had a girlfriend. _

Noora stared at the message. Why had mom sent that to her? Why was it so important for Eva that she read it right now?

“What does this have to do with --” Noora looked up at Eva and stopped talking.

Eva was smiling. Noora knew that smile. It was a smile to take a picture of.


End file.
